Sometimes, TCM(Traditional Chinese Medicine) doctors really impress me. Well, only the good ones.. They seem to be able to tell EVERYTHING about you the moment they feel your pulse!!

Today I went to see a TCM doctor and he's really good.. I nearly teared at what he told me..

He touched my heart strings.. Ha.. A phrase that I learned from a course I attended yesterday..

He told me something.. Something that I have long forgotten..

My love for literature, music and travelling..

"You love literature?"

Literature -- I would have seized literature if my secondary school offered it but I was only given a choice of either geography or history.

- I've long forgotten how it feels like to finish a novel, the sense of achievement..

"You love music?"

Music -- I've always wanted to learn how to play the piano, not because of Jaejoong's influence. Since I was young, I've always envied people who could play the piano.

- I've long forgotten the joy of being able to read scores.. And being able play the piano even though it's just "Mary had a little lamb".

"You love travelling?"

Travelling -- As you can see my wish list of places that I want to go to on my blog, you would have guessed pretty much.

- I've long forgotten that I love to see the beautiful scenery of other countries because of money constraints and the belief that I won't be able to go overseas.

The tearing part actually came when he told me that because I'm weak and I do not have enough "QI" therefore I've lost my courage, my confidence and positive thoughts..

He was like, "When you have enough QI for your brain, you will have courage, being able to focus, memory, alertness, confidence and positive thoughts.. Do you have any of them?! Now you don't have any confidence and you've even lost your positive thoughts!"

The positive thoughts bit really broke the last straw.. It really made me want to cry it all out..

It's really the case.. I've been thinking of negative thoughts pretty often lately.. Too often..

I've always thought of stuff like --

Even if I die, nobody cares.
Even if I die, it's alright.
If I ever contracted any illness, please don't save me and let me die.
I do not have anyone to turn to.
I do not have friends.
I'm alone.
Nobody likes me.
Nobody cares about me.
Everyone hates me.
I'm a social reject.
I hate myself.
I'm the worst person in the universe.
Even if I died, Jaejoong wouldn't care. (That's pretty uncalled for because Jae doesn't even know me personally.. Poor thing.. He doesn't know anything and he gets dragged into it.. Ha.. Another one of my mad fan-crazy thinking..)
I'm ugly and fat.
People outcast me.

Well........................................ You get the idea..

Why I had the urge to tear it's because.. It's like he saw right through me.. He was able to understand what I was thinking and going through.. Stuff that I did not tell anyone.. Stuff that is really deep down in my heart..

He told me that I should go for my dreams.. I told him that actually I wanted to be a writer.. He was so worked up.. Ha.. He was like "YES!!!! THAT'S RIGHT!! YOU SHOULD BE A WRITER!!"

He told me that I am good in poetry and music.. It's a waste that I did not pursue my dream.. He told me that, yes we should be realistic and that we can't survive without a job but I still can continue to chase my dream.. I should use my spare time to fulfill my dreams.. He asked me to read up.. Brush up my language.. He asked me to read those about philosophies.. He also told me that I'm still young and I shouldn't give up my dreams..

He could even tell that I'm not that imaginative so I can't write books like Harry Potter.. Ha.. That's pretty true..

He told me to write down whatever phrases or words that I form that comes to my head.. It's just for a recording purpose, I can rearrange them or use them the next time.. They will come in handy..

He also told me that I actually had leadership quality and whether I participated in any uniformed groups.. He told me that I would be successful in life.. Ha.. I guess it will only happen when I regain my confidence?

He really motivated and inspired me in a way.. I really like him.. Ha.. He really should be a counsellor..

He may seem to be a mean old doctor who is very fierce and lectures to others, but somehow.. He really attracts me! I really prefer him to some other TCM that I've been to.. It's like he realy knows a lot.. He's very knowledgeable.. By the way, I'm not sadistic.. I do not enjoy being lectured at..

There's plenty of medicine related books in his shelf but something caught my attention -- "Cheat codes for Sony Playstation" HAHA!! So interesting!! (I want to buy either a Nintendo Wii or Sony Playstation 3!! I am saving for it.. Somehow.. LOL..)

Anyway, I've plenty of stuff that I can't eat.. I guess these are temporary till I get better?

Stuff like biscuits, cookies, chocolates, deep-fried, pan-fried, peanuts, cold drinks..

He told me to take green veggies.. Plenty of them.. Cut down on meat..

I'm not to take shell-fish related.. Ha.. Crab.. Prawns.. Scallops.. Byebye.. *cough*for now*cough* =D

I'm not to take any tea.. Be it chinese tea or english tea.. My body can't take it actually.. So byebye to tea forever..

I'm to sleep early.

I'm to eat till 70 - 80% full. If I still feel hungry, I should drink plain water instead. Speaking of plain water reminds me that he actually could tell that recently I keep feeling very thirsty.. Which was very true.. Lately I always went for water refills when I'm in the office..

My hair loss and itchy scalp is due to the fact that I'm so weak inside.. The nutrients aren't reaching most part of my body..

In fact.. I'm losing more than I'm absorbing..

It makes me age faster, get more tired easier, can't focus, short-term memory, lose my courage, lose my confidence, lose my hair, lose my positive thoughts..

Hey!! That reminds me!! No wonder everyone says that I'm my elder sister's ELDER SISTER! The worst was when this lady selling porridge said that I'm my grandmother's daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I told the doctor that I love to eat meat when he told me to cut down on meat..

He told me "You are responsible for your own actions. Am I right? You can do whatever you like but you're responsible for them, right?"

So now, I'm going to heed his advice.. Well.. To the best of my ability.. Ha..

Anyway, I'm going back to see him again next saturday! He's expensive but if it cures me, why bother about the price right? Health is more important than money right? I can always spend lesser on DBSK so that I can get myself into a better shape right? I can spend lesser now on DBSK, cure myself of any sickness, then I would be able to spend MORE on them when I get better right?

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Eric.. Really.. I'm really grateful.. I know that actually I'm not alone.. I still have you.. You are always there.. Always there for me.. Always there to listen to my troubles and forever trying your very best to convince me to stop my negative thoughts.. I'm really very touched and grateful.. However, because I'm not someone who's really capable of showing my feelings or telling people directly how I feel, I may have caused you feel that you aren't important but that is not the case.. You're really important to me.. Very very important to me.. Hope that we will last for years to come.. I can't afford to lose such a dear friend like you!! You are more than just a counsellor or someone that I turn to when I'm in need.. You're my bestie, darling, sweetie, dearie, honey, sweetheart, sugar.. Well.. you get the point.. =D

I will start to think positively from now on.. I can't promise but I'll try my best~!

PS: Please post something on our blog.. pretty please? It's like everyone gets bored with my rantings.. It's becoming my personal blog instead! LOL.