I have been too busy to update..

No, that's a lie.

I haven't got a chance to use the computer much 'cause my sister got hooked on this Korean drama called "You're Beautiful".

So currently I'm using my brother's antique damn freaking slow laptop which would take half an hour to start up to blog.

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I feel more lost than ever.

My uncle told me to continue my degree studies quickly if I have the intention of furthering my studies.

I don't know what to study. I don't have any interest in any of the courses!

But I know I have to study something. I have to upgrade myself.

I should try to 振作起来！

I have to.. I have been living aimlessly for years already..

My greatest setback is being too lazy.

Just because of this point -- LAZY, I've missed out a great deal of stuff.

I'm so lazy that I buy novels, self help books and DVDs but I never sat down to read or watch them..

Where do I begin?

Where should I begin?

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I have this feeling.. This strong feeling that he only looks for me when he has something to show off.

Last week he asked if I wanted to go home together.

He didn't really ask.. He just asked what time I'm going home.. I said 6.30pm and I asked him what time he's going home. He told me anytime.

Oh is that a hint that you want me to ask you if you wanted to go home together with me? I refuse to ask.

In the end I sms-ed him that I was leaving. Bye!

He replied with a single word bye.

I tried to be nice and told him to go home earlier and not stay till very late.

He told me that actually he's leaving now.

Is that another hint to let me tell him want to go home together?

I still didn't ask.

The next day.. He asked me what time I'm going home. I said soon after I receive a fax back. I asked him what time he was leaving.

He said now. wait for you downstairs?

I told him if he was in a hurry he can leave first.

*due to bad experience the last time we went home together. i didnt reply him and he was kinda mean and rude. he asked me to go home together i said ok but i had some last min work to finish.. i told him i'll be late.. he said ok.. then he sms me to tell him when i'm downstairs.. i didnt reply cause i was gonna update my bank book.. then i received another sms from him.. he said.. i'm going down now. if i dont see you, i'm leaving.

what the hell.. if you arent keen to wait then why did you even ask me to go home together?!

i was actually downstairs already! i was a bit tempted to just walk off and not wait when i read that sms.. i have my pride too okay.

but i didnt leave.. so stupid of me.. but when he came down, i just said why are you so impatient! he said i sms-ed you a thousand times! i was irritated so i replied with so?

i'm GL but i'm lovin' it! haha!

actually he sms-ed me a lot of times.. but i didn't want to reply.. he asked me if i knew the girl who went into the toilet a few seconds before me. she's very cute.

when i didnt reply, he questioned me why i nv reply his sms and glared at me whenever he walked past.. even glaring at me while talking to his colleague!! so wtf..

i told him i didnt receive his sms.. then he sms me the exact same sms again.. then even another sms that asked me if i received his sms.. i told him i dunno the girl..

anyway when we went home, we were quiet throughout the journey and he kept yawning.. which i find it totally rude. it shows that he is very bored with me ok. then wtf i also dun give a f care anymore. i started to sms my frenz what time to meet etc. from the corner of my eye i could see him shoulder-surfing.. haha!

that was the start of bad experience!*

anyway continue the story.

he asked if i was going down now..

i replied ya

cause i had this feeling he got something to tell me.

then he said ok. waiting

he was downstairs reading a book..

then we went home together..

he told me he already know the girl's name etc.. yes, he introduced himself to the girl already.. pls lah.. that girl is not cute at all! -_-

got another better girl lo! i dun mean me! there's another pretty girl! but she's attached. haha!

then on the train he seemed so bored so i told him he can read his book. he aid he wont it's rude cuz when you ask someone to go home together means you ask for the person's company but then you ignore the person. it's wrong blah blah.. zzz!

then he told me got a cute girl on the train blah blah.. i told him.. if i continue to look at more girls i'm going to turn into a lesbian. he didn't get the hint which was obviously telling him to shut it and dont tell me anymore about looking at girls.

he asked if i was previously a lesbian.. wtf! pretending only!! how can you not get my obvious hint?!

i said NO! then he asked when was my birthday, how many boyfriends i had before. i said my birthday is a secret and i had 0 boyfriends before. he looked kinda shocked. then i told him i think it's ok not to have a boyfriend before. i havent met anyone that made me want to what you know? then he quickly answered ya, i understand, i have frenz my age who never had boyfriends before too. fyi he's 30 already!!

he kept talking about something girls related.. i told him i dont notice girls. if he asked me about guys i would know. then i told him oh there's this girl who i noticed!

she has shoulder length hair but i've never seen her in skirt before. she's always in pants. but she has this very cool aura around her. she gave me a very cool feeling.

he asked what about me? do i give you a cool feeling?

then i replied between you and her? erm.. and shook my head..

then he said.. ok.. then i'll give a you a hot feeling then.

i didnt know how to answer and i just laughed my way through.

trying to show off and flirt with me for what.. i'm obviously not your type?

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that day i wore my usual one and only nice dress to work but! i wore my new heels which i guess at least 3 inches high?

i got a lot of positive feedback..

my colleagues told me i looked more lady and demure and gentle and nice.. i should wear like this more often blah blah..

even him.. he sms me that i looked nice..

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so i should and must go do some shopping for the sake of my future huh? lol..

but my right side of the body feeling numb.. cui liao.. the pain is spreading from my right heel to my entire right side..

I made an appointment with my Prof today. I wanted to see how badly I have done in the final paper... and also to see the solution to the questions. Trust me when I say that the solution is not important anymore, I was just trying to protray the image of a remorseful student in front of the prof. Just the thought of me failing and needing to repeat this module again hit me like a searing bullet... The pain lingers.

NUS policy states that if a student wants to review an exam paper, he has to pay an admin fee of $10 and submit the application personally to the faculty for processing. Personally, I didnt want to go through all this. That will mean taking 2 days off from work - 1 for submitting the application and 1 for reviewing. The prof also suggests that I dont do that, as I probably have nothing in my paper worth checking. First time a mentor has criticized my work so crudely. I felt so worthless.

Our appointment was at 11am. I reached early at about 10.45am. As I stood outside his office, I could hear another student inside, discussing about the exam questions. I waited for 11am. Who knew that their discussion will stretch past 11am? I waited till 11.45am before going in.. So much for being early. I nearly left after waiting for an hour. 5 more mins and I would have left.

Despite the long wait, he surprised me with my script... So I get to save both my time and money. He explained to me my erred questions 1 by 1. I was heartbroken to see my pathetic marks - 30/100. I nearly broke down in front of him, but I think prof could tell from my downcast face, that I was extremely disappointed. I didnt absorb much of his explanations, my mind was fighting to come to terms with the marks on the paper.

I hate being looked down upon, being branded as third grade. Sadly, that is the truth for this subject.

This is another 1 of the saddest day of my life.

Its been a long time since I have last blogged... Sorrie about the promise to blog dutifully after the exams. I have been slacking and playing around instead. I told myself not to break anymore promises since Then, but old habits die hard I guess. Sometimes I feel that I keep giving excuses to the bad/wrong things I have done... But I really hope I'm not like that. To me, thats being irresponsible and I dislike people for that. I dont want to contradict myself and be someone that dont practice what I preach.

I thought when the exams are over, I will start to attend driving lessons. This is a much delayed thing that I wanted to do. It seems like there is always something more important and I keep pushing back that plan. Now my FTT is gonna expire x_x How can anyone resist a good job that landed right in front of them? So here I am, working duing this holiday break. Driving? Wait and see...

Recently, there are many friends around me that are facing big problems. You guys have to be strong. No matter how bad something can be, it will always come to an end. Every encounter will make you stronger and better in life. There is always a listening ear here for you, so never feel alone and lost.

Although now I have to start telling myself the same things... What irony.

Just got my results back yesterday. It was horrible. I failed my discrete structures, which I never expected to. It is my worst result since I dont know when. I didnt leave the whole paper blank, I knew I could do some questions but it still wasnt enough. Alot of people must have done very well, so my marks were peanuts compared to theirs. Because of this failure, my CPA is rock bottom. Because of this failure, I get a 'F' on my transcript. Because of this failure, I may not graduate in 3 years. What a mess I have gotten myself into. Maybe... maybe I just dont belong to this place after all...

I have also seem to let go of my grades now... I feel numb. This is so not me! The feeling is like giving up - giving up the struggle towards the inevitable band of grades reserved for me: Cs, Ds and now F

The light at the end of the tunnel seems further and further away...

I dont get alot of moments like this... thankfully. But can I stand on my feet again after this big fall?