yesterday i went to the natsu matsuri 2010.. it was quite irritating at first cause it was a hot day and my friend and i went there rather early to queue for tickets.. but there were so many people!! we queued for hours under the hot sun..

as i was feeling rather down.. i wanted to do something really crazy.. yes, on impulse..

as usual like last year, i tried to find some cute victims guys to take photos with.. i was looking for this cute guy that i was actually interested in but i didnt dare to approach him last year.. and we had eye contact.. he was looking at me and i was looking back.. but i approached his friend for a picture instead..

yes i can be quite a coward when it comes to the guys that i fancy..

i didnt find him this year.. perhaps he graduated and returned to japan..

this year i found another cutie.. yes, i was tempted to ask him for his number.. but i didnt cause my sister was threatening me that she would kill me if i did something crazy like that.. she was my photographer.. haha.. she said she wanted to come back again next year and didnt need my stupid actions to thwart her plans.. forcing her to be my photographer was embarrassing enough.. that was what she said..

the end of the event there would be a group dance which they will surround the stage and everyone at the event would dance together.. but there would be a lot of songs to dance to.. it was the last dance.. the music was starting again.. i quickly tapped his shoulder and asked if i could take a photo with him.. after i took a picture with him, i didnt go away immediately.. i was staring at him.. like i wanted to say something.. he didnt turn back to dance too.. he was also staring back at me.. as if he knew i wanted to ask him for his number.. we continued staring at each other for a few seconds.. in the end i snapped out of my trance and said thank you and waved goodbye to him..

i actually wanted to ask him for his number.. but i just didnt dare to.. i dun mean that i want to date him or what.. i mean.. just get to know him as a friend..

i'm 23.. but i dun do what 23 year olds would do, right? people go out with their friends.. lead active lifestyles.. enrich themselves.. finish their degree.. socialise.. meet strangers.. make new friends.. have postive thinking.. etc..

but look at me.. i live like i'm living in my own world alone.. no friends.. dont go out.. no active lifestyle.. dun enrich myself.. nua.. slack.. anti-social.. have depressing thoughts.. and actually i am feeling very scared to socialise with people.. i am beginning to think that i am better off alone in my own world.. yes i feel quite lonely as if i got no friends but i dunno.. i'm scared to talk to people.. socialise with them.. i just want to run away from them.. live in the mountains.. build walls.. hide in my protective shell..

i dunno.. i'm feeling scared.. i'm afraid that i'm succumbing to the depressing thoughts.. the dark side.. ;(

perhaps i should have heck care my sister and just asked that guy for his number.. i need not have contact with him.. just get his number for fun.. i can cancel my line any time cause my contract is already up.. haha.. at least it would have been a new beginning.. a tiny step out from my current shell.. a breakthrough from my usual humji passive nature..

well.. it's too late to regret now.. it's a yearly thing.. next year i would be 24.. getting too old for such stuff already.. no wonder they say you are only young once, do all the crazy things when you are young..

next year.. if i am still going.. i guess.. i should try my luck and exchange numbers.. cause i believe.. according to my nature.. i will still be the same next year.. if i havent fallen into a dark pit yet..