Up till now.. I still believe that I should treat a person with 100% of my true heart and I will do it to my very best when they ask me to do things..

I also know that when people leave, they won't come back anymore and I can't force them to turn back.. I'll just have to keep them in a corner of my heart and if I'm lucky, they'll come back someday..

If not.. I'll just have to move on and only remember the good times we shared together..

But I don't know what is wrong with me lately.. I kept on dreaming about him.. He is always in my story plots.. When I wake up, I can't remember what was the story about but I know that he is inside..

我不愿回顾，因为在记忆深处。。思念常刺痛我心灵。。

I was once a person who also loved to smile and laugh.. For no apparent reason, one day I just lost my smile..

For so many years until one fine day, I met someone by chance who brought a smile to my face.. This person injected laughter in my life but as suddenly as he appeared, he disappeared.. Though my laughter was short-lived and I'm still coping.. Now I'm trying to find new ways to make myself smile..

Memories may fade but deep down inside I know that he'll always have have a place in my heart.. The person who came into my life and swept me off my feet.. Giving me brand new experiences that I only dared to dream about but left suddenly will be well hidden away.. Should one day I meet him on the street by coincidence.. I don't know how I will react but I'll observe his reaction first.. If he acknowledges me, I'll acknowledge back.. If he feigns ignorance.. Then I'll do it too.. I don't know.. That's my character.. I won't acknowledge people first.. If I see familiar faces on the street, I will fervently wish that I can dig a hole to hide myself.. I guess it's due to low self-confidence..

Even though I miss him.. I won't contact him.. There must be a certain aspect of me so detestable to him that made him not even want to be my friend and wanting to cut off contact with me.. Why should I cause further dislike? I realised that I took things for granted.. I thought that the friendship will always be there.. I don't need to pay attention to it and it will still remain..

原本以为或许。。有可能。。也许。。是一直期待已久的幸福终于要降临了。。我也可以像我身边的人一样。。找到一个能够了解我的人。。可没想到竟然会是我的噩梦的开始。。可是梦究竟还是梦。。总有一天会醒来的。。

I miss his voice, his laughter, his jokes, his singing, his texts, his calls, his sleepy voice, him trying to lull me to sleep, him listening to my problems..

I still miss him.. On him, I found wings that enabled me to soar.. He was everything that I was not.. He was able to understand what I craved for all these years.. I was too reserved, too socially inept and I didn't know how to express myself.. He knew what I wanted say even when I didn't speak and kept quiet..

Previously, everyday I looked forward to the sound of my phone ringing.. Now that it's so quiet.. I don't know why but I hate it.. I hate the silence and I've become so afraid of loneliness.. But I'll endure it somehow..

The sky in my life used to be black and white.. He came and painted my sky with bright, vibrant colours and left without warning.. Though the heavy rain has washed out the colours.. I promise that there will be no more rain.. I won't let it rain anymore.. It will take some time but I will definitely find a way to paint new colours back into my heart.. It will be black and white no more..

I am still very curious what aspect that is so detestable.. Only one of my friend told me honestly about my bad points.. None of my other friends told me about my bad points because they were too nice and afraid that I couldn't take it..

Criticism is a bitter pill but it cures. I need criticism to improve I guess.. Cause I'm still on a journey of self discovery.. Now I may be lost.. But someday I'll find myself.. What I really need and want.

This will be the last time I'm talking about this matter.. Because I know that some things, once lost.. It can't be retrieved..

I asked myself this question repeatedly.. "Do you want to continue to mourn for your loss and wallow in self pity or do you want to move on and perhaps someday find another click-able friend?" If I chose the former, I'd be damned..

I know that over the years, I've lost a number of friendships already.. Friends that talk daily in school, send each other regular texts or MSN each other to zero contact at all.

So why this is affecting me so much and why am I taking things so hard this time? Why am I taking such a long time to climb up from my fall?

I guess because this is the first time I'm able to talk to someone on the phone with ease for long hours and nearly daily.. I've always had the phobia of talking to people on the phone because I run out of topics to talk and talking on the phone makes me nervous.. Furthermore I have issues with trusting someone fully..

我还想他，我在他身上曾找到翅膀飞翔。。

Plus currently with my pathetic non-existent social life, I feel like I'm drowning in the sea.. I guess he was a piece of drifting plank out in the sea.. I saw it floating by and I quickly grabbed and held onto it for dear life.. He would listen to my woes patiently and provide me with solutions which up till now I still lacked the courage to realise them.. But it really felt great that someone was there, listening to you, standing by you and understand what you are going through..

But somehow it's still a mystery to me as why he was able to gain my trust so quickly in such a short span of time. I guess he was special.

Though most unwilling to but I've got to accept the fact that he'll never be there for me anymore. I'll just have to grow up and depend on myself from now..

Although it was only for a short period of time.. Those days made a lasting impression in me.. They were the happiest days of my boring and gloomy 2009.. The chapter has ended.. But so is the year 2009.. It is ending too soon.. So.. I should be looking forward to 2010.. A brand new year! I'm looking forward to making new happy days ahead..

Enough said.

This will be my resolution for 2010!!

I want to be of an importance to my existing friends' lives too.. I want to be someone who will make a lasting impression in them! I want to be there for them whenever they need me! I want to be someone who can cheer up! I want to be a positive force too!

Dearest friends.. Though I am unable to express myself and I don't talk much.. But I just want you to know that you are not alone.. I am going to be right here with you till the end.. =)

What I want is actually something very simple but currently YOU are the last thing on my mind that I want to think about.. I hope I can think about YOU next year when I've saved enough money.. =)

Under this lonely and starry night.. Will anyone remember me? Will anyone think of me? Will anyone miss me? I wonder.

Labels: randomness